Reading Time: 4 minutesI love parties. I love hosting. I hate party planning. I’ve been trying this new thing for the last few years where I try to be a good person. Unfortunately, that means thinking of others and being generous. I agree those are good things and wish I naturally had those traits. But no one ever taught me, so I have to make a conscious effort to remember to consider others and practice generosity. My mom is a …
Category: Portrait of a Hick
Reading Time: 8 minutesScott City High School Class of ‘07 was a graduating class of about 60 people. There had been more of us starting out. But naturally, some decided to uphold the long-held family tradition of dropping out. I blame the local radio station that could never let go of the 70s. Twenty-eight years after its release, Pink Floyd’s ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ just rang too hot in my colleagues’ ears. Scott City High School would have been …
Reading Time: 6 minutes“You remember when I had to catch the school bus in the rain, so Ma put bread bags over my shoes and made me wear a trash bag like a poncho,” my cousin asked. I laughed and turned back to where my grandmother lay in her coffin. Ma died three weeks ago. Here we sat, at the funeral home, waiting for the pastor to begin the eulogy we had written. A couple of nights before the funeral, …
Reading Time: 6 minutesThe bell rang to dismiss our 5th-period English Lit III class. “Caitlan, Olivia, Emma, and Noah. Can you stay for a moment, please?”, Mrs. Murphy asked. That was weird. Olivia, Emma, and Noah were my smart friend group. We were the model UN and debate team nerds. We were taking college credit trig together. I ran a tight ship managing my double life. I drew a wide dividing line between academics and parties/poor decisions. Or at least …
Reading Time: 6 minutesWhen I turned 16, I started working at a 1950s-themed diner off Interstate 55. One night, there was nothing I wanted more than to run away with a total stranger. People (by which I mean old people) enjoy 1950s-themed diners because they like to romanticize the 50s as a purer time when life was simpler. As if it were all jukeboxes, poodle skirts, and milkshakes. But have you ever listened to the lyrics of “Sixteen Candles”? It’s …
Reading Time: 6 minutesMy Uncle Moe. God rest his soul. He died in November 2019 when he left his lane and hit a semi head-on. He had to have emergency surgery and his lungs couldn’t take the anesthesia. He had emphysema from a lifetime of smoking. We always assumed he’d die young but we expected it would be from blowing the house up from smoking while on oxygen. Have you ever hung out with anyone smoking while on oxygen? No? …
Reading Time: 9 minutesWhen I was around 12 or 13 years old, my mom had a stalker. Maybe this is implied in “stalker”, but this guy was a real piece of work. My mom was fresh out of an ugly divorce because my dad decided it might be kind of cool to move in with a female coworker. “Why would my wife and kids mind? C’est la vie, man. We can all still get along.” So, mom turned to church …
Reading Time: 11 minutes“Who is going trick-or-treating today?”, Sister Wilma asked. She looked up over her round, wire-rimmed glasses, short hair done in a perm. My hand shot up on the fifth syllable. It was all I could think about. She didn’t turn to look at any of us in particular with our hands held high, waving our arms enthusiastically (granted, there were probably only four of us in that Sunday school lesson. It was a small church in a …
Reading Time: 4 minutes*Everyone’s name has been changed because I sure ain’t asking permission to talk about them online It’s always been a treat taking the people in my life who don’t know my extended family, to meet my extended family. Matt, my college boyfriend, got to meet them for the first time one 4th of July. I don’t think there is any level of appropriate preparation aside from one of those secret briefing manila folders the government gives out …
Reading Time: 3 minutes*I changed my aunt’s name to protect her pristine reputation When I was a kid, my aunt was on the Jerry Springer Show for a lesbian love triangle. If you haven’t seen the episode yet, spoiler alert! If you ask her about it she’ll say, “They flew us to Chicago, gave us 200 bucks and a script, and I only had to kiss a girl.” It was her friend. I suppose my uncle was ok with it. …
